1. Avoid stupid people.
If you are going fishing, hunting or even
playing baseball always assume the other people do not know what they
Example: Elmir went fishing, in a row
boat, with a guy. Elmir knew when you cast always insure your hook will
not hook whoever you are with, I cast and a second later, bang, I was
hooked by the guy, a fraction on an inch away from my eye with a fish
hook and shrimp attached. These people should be born with an "S" on
their forehead to warn us.
Elmir's "Are You Stupid" Test
a. Plan to vote for Trump
b. Plan to vote for Hillary
a - you are not stupid
b - do not
listen to what the police say nor to the people that say smoking and
alcohol will ruin your health they are just trying to trick you, look both ways before crossing
streets, do not talk to strangers, do not eat yellow snow, do not poke
finger into eye, do not eat poop, don't announce your farts, do not lick
the toilet, wood chips are not food and neighter are candles, no you
cannot marry your sister, yes you have to wipe every time, do not take
the fish out of it's bowl and play with it.
..........Be On the Look
When my husband
and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we
were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to
the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the
passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and
discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the
technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I
already got that side.'
This was at the
Chevrolet dealership in Canton, MS
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our
problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the
for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at
that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need
a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than
1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'
We haven't used
Sears repair since.
and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the
clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her
said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know,
but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She
sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat
my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter,
and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of
thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents
Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.
I live in a semi
rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the
DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are
being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good
place for them to be crossing anymore.'
From Kingman , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING IN
FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
and ordered a taco. She asked the
counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceburg lettuce..
-- >From Kansas City
I was at the airport, checking in at the
gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put
anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which
I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Birmingham ,
IDIOT SIGHTING :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when
it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an
intellectually challenged coworker of mine.. She asked if I knew
what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind
people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded,
'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She was a
probation officer in Wichita , KS
IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear
coworker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,'
our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should
do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just
looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights
This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.
IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her
power strip back into itself and for the sake of her life,
couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County
Sheriffs office, no less.
How would you pronounce
this child's name?
Lee - A??
Lay - a??
This child attends a school in Kansas
City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her
name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked
about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't
SO, if you see something come across your
desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If dey axe
you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.
They walk among us
.... and they VOTE and REPRODUCE!
2. Be obsessive compulsive to some
Example: Double check should become your
middle name. Are the necessary doors locked, are all items that might
start fires out or disconnected from their power source; go back a
second time and check to insure you did those things.
3. Have working smoke detectors and
carbon monoxide detectors.
Example: When the detectors alert goes
off to replace battery, do it, I know it costs but it is still cheaper
then replacing what might burn up or kill you in your sleep.
4. Vote for Trump
Example: Hillary is a train wreak waiting
to happen and you do not want to be part of it.
5. When driving your car or any vehicle.
These are 2,000 lb. and up killing
machines. Elmir has driven now for 49 years in many countries and never
caused an accident. England and Scotland driving a stick shift and
sitting on the wrong side of the car and actually found it very natural;
Germany, France, Italy (even in that small country no one knows about
inside Italy "San Marino"), Switzerland, Kuwait and last in the good old
USA. How did I have no accidents, well
a. Elmir hates paperwork just a pain in
the butt, so did not want to do any i.e. that's what accidents make you
b. Likes life and likes people and did
not want to disrupt his or their lives,
c. When driving long distances, I crossed
the USA many times, when you first blink and start fighting to stay
awake, find a safe place pull over and nap,
d. At an intersection, look both ways
e. Keep you car inspected, Elmir goes
back to the days when there were no inspections i.e. the 1950s, and
would have to say then most men were their own mechanics except for
Elmir's dad e.g. one day dad asked elmir to take his car and get gas,
elmir hopped in the car and at the first intersection hit the brake and
it went to the floor, elmir quickly engaged the emergency brake and it
worked or elmir probably would have been T-boned and dead,
f. A green light does not mean go, it
means first look both ways for traffic and if clear then go,
g. Keep one
car length per 10 mph of your speed between you and traffic ahead e.g.
you going 60 that means 6 car lengths OR another way is to look at a
pole along the road - see the car, in front of you passing it and count
2 seconds before you pass that same pole OR just keep way way way back
and then you don't have to do any of that. Check you tube for
helpful driver education videos, here is one to start with:
Note: Use you
head when viewing the varous videos available, some give you basics that
really need to have more information e.g. one had exiting an alley
between 2 buildings check the windows in parked cars to look for
pedestrians, what if there are no cars - what you should do is ease out
on to the sidewalk checking for people in both directions.
h. Continually be aware of everything
about you, is an animal about to cross the road,
i. Plan ahead if the idiot in front of
you does something stupid, in this case all you can do is assume all the
other drivers are idiots and be alert,
j. Continually check rear view and side
k. Someone speeding down the road, get
out of their way, someone wants to get into your lane, just let them.
Forget all that stupid macho crap.
6. Swimming: Elmir recommends
swimming pools that contain chlorine if the oceans contained the same
percentage of chlorine, then it would probably be safe to swim there,
but since it does not then forget about it. Elmir was a trained
recreational scuba diver when he was young and did dive in the open
ocean. At that time, in the early 1960s, a couple of divers were off the
New Jersey coast and the surviving diver said the last he saw of his
partner was a great white swimming away with partner's legs and flippers
sticking out of its mouth.
JC the world is getting so F'ed up
now you also have to avoid any fresh water, e.g. streams, rivers,
because of the brain eating amebas that are in some of them. Just
If these guys just had legs and could live out of the water - GD
they would be great watch dogs.
Elmir Note: This
maybe a made up story but it illustrates what has happened many
times to swimmers in the ocean, i.e. arms or legs quicky
While at the end of his honeymoon, James Crowlett thought it
would be fun to take a quick swim to relax himself. He also
wanted to share his experience with a Facebook photo.
Unfortunately, he wasnít the only one in the waters at the time.
Unable to swim fast enough, the shark tore off the manís leg. He
died on the way to hospital and left behind a horrified widow.
Elmir says always check swimming pools for sharks before jumping in.