03/23/17

SURVIVING LIFE TIPS

1. Avoid stupid people.

   If you are going fishing, hunting or even playing baseball always assume the other people do not know what they are doing.

   Example: Elmir went fishing, in a row boat, with a guy. Elmir knew when you cast always insure your hook will not hook whoever you are with, I cast and a second later, bang, I was hooked by the guy, a fraction on an inch away from my eye with a fish hook and shrimp attached. These people should be born with an "S" on their forehead to warn us.

Elmir's "Are You Stupid" Test

     a. Plan to vote for Trump

     b. Plan to vote for Hillary

Answers:

     a - you are not stupid

     b - do not listen to what the police say nor to the people that say smoking and alcohol will ruin your health they are just trying to trick you, look both ways before crossing streets, do not talk to strangers, do not eat yellow snow, do not poke finger into eye, do not eat poop, don't announce your farts, do not lick the toilet, wood chips are not food and neighter are candles, no you cannot marry your sister, yes you have to wipe every time, do not take the fish out of it's bowl and play with it.

 ..........Be On the Look Out............

IDIOT SIGHTING:

When  my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were  told the keys had been locked in it.  We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I  watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.  'Hey,' I announced to the technician,  'it's open!'  His reply: 'I know.  I already got that  side.'

This  was at the Chevrolet dealership in Canton, MS

IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the  opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a  1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's  not.' Four is larger than two.'

We  haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT  SIGHTING:

  My  daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk  a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter..
She said, 'you  gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know,  but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.  She sighed and went  to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me  back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of  thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in  change.
Do  not confuse the clerks at McD's.

IDIOT  SIGHTING  :
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local  township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't  think this is a good place for  them to be crossing anymore.'

From Kingman , KS

IDIOT  SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE  :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
and ordered a taco. She asked the  person behind
the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceburg lettuce..


-- >From  Kansas City

IDIOT  SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee  asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To  which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled  knowingly and nodded,
  'That's why we ask.'

Happened in Birmingham ,  Ala.

IDIOT  SIGHTING  :
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was  crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine.. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light  is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing  driving?!'

She  was a probation officer in Wichita , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING :
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the  company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We  should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at  each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare..

This was a lunch at Texas Instruments.

IDIOT SIGHTING :
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and  for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas  County Sheriffs office, no  less.

How would you pronounce this child's name?

        "Le-a"

Leah??                NO
Lee - A??            NOPE
Lay - a??            NO
Lei??                  Guess Again.

This child attends a school in  Kansas City, Mo. Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. It's pronounced "Ledasha", When the Mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name, she said, "the dash don't be silent."

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce the dash. If dey axe you why, tell dem de dash don't be silent.

STAY ALERT!

They walk among  us .... and they VOTE and REPRODUCE!

2. Be obsessive compulsive to some degree.

   Example: Double check should become your middle name. Are the necessary doors locked, are all items that might start fires out or disconnected from their power source; go back a second time and check to insure you did those things.

3. Have working smoke detectors and carbon monoxide detectors.

   Example: When the detectors alert goes off to replace battery, do it, I know it costs but it is still cheaper then replacing what might burn up or kill you in your sleep.

4. Vote for Trump

   Example: Hillary is a train wreak waiting to happen and you do not want to be part of it.

5. When driving your car or any vehicle.

   These are 2,000 lb. and up killing machines. Elmir has driven now for 49 years in many countries and never caused an accident. England and Scotland driving a stick shift and sitting on the wrong side of the car and actually found it very natural; Germany, France, Italy (even in that small country no one knows about inside Italy "San Marino"), Switzerland, Kuwait and last in the good old USA.  How did I have no accidents, well

     a. Elmir hates paperwork just a pain in the butt, so did not want to do any i.e. that's what accidents make you do,

     b. Likes life and likes people and did not want to disrupt his or their lives,

     c. When driving long distances, I crossed the USA many times, when you first blink and start fighting to stay awake, find a safe place pull over and nap,

     d. At an intersection, look both ways twice,

     e. Keep you car inspected, Elmir goes back to the days when there were no inspections i.e. the 1950s, and would have to say then most men were their own mechanics except for Elmir's dad e.g. one day dad asked elmir to take his car and get gas, elmir hopped in the car and at the first intersection hit the brake and it went to the floor, elmir quickly engaged the emergency brake and it worked or elmir probably would have been T-boned and dead,

     f. A green light does not mean go, it means first look both ways for traffic and if clear then go,

     g. Keep one car length per 10 mph of your speed between you and traffic ahead e.g. you going 60 that means 6 car lengths OR another way is to look at a pole along the road - see the car, in front of you passing it and count 2 seconds before you pass that same pole OR just keep way way way back and then you don't have to do any of that.  Check you tube for helpful driver education videos, here is one to start with:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IDQjB3k7z5c  Note: Use you head when viewing the varous videos available, some give you basics that really need to have more information e.g. one had exiting an alley between 2 buildings check the windows in parked cars to look for pedestrians, what if there are no cars - what you should do is ease out on to the sidewalk checking for people in both directions.

     h. Continually be aware of everything about you, is an animal about to cross the road,

     i. Plan ahead if the idiot in front of you does something stupid, in this case all you can do is assume all the other drivers are idiots and be alert,

     j. Continually check rear view and side view mirrors,

     k. Someone speeding down the road, get out of their way, someone wants to get into your lane, just let them.  Forget all that stupid macho crap.

    l.  

6. Swimming: Elmir recommends swimming pools that contain chlorine if the oceans contained the same percentage of chlorine, then it would probably be safe to swim there, but since it does not then forget about it. Elmir was a trained recreational scuba diver when he was young and did dive in the open ocean. At that time, in the early 1960s, a couple of divers were off the New Jersey coast and the surviving diver said the last he saw of his partner was a great white swimming away with partner's legs and flippers sticking out of its mouth.

JC the world is getting so F'ed up now you also have to avoid any fresh water, e.g. streams, rivers, because of the brain eating amebas that are in some of them. Just Elmir's thoughts.

If these guys just had legs and could live out of the water - GD they  would be great watch dogs.

  

Caliser

Elmir Note: This maybe a made up story but it illustrates what has happened many times to swimmers in the ocean, i.e. arms or legs quicky detached.

While at the end of his honeymoon, James Crowlett thought it would be fun to take a quick swim to relax himself. He also wanted to share his experience with a Facebook photo. Unfortunately, he wasnít the only one in the waters at the time. Unable to swim fast enough, the shark tore off the manís leg. He died on the way to hospital and left behind a horrified widow.

Elmir says always check swimming pools for sharks before jumping in.

 

This site was last updated 03/23/17