-B) Bladder tips: Smoking infuses your
body with carcinogens that do not leave, same for burned food and both
can end up giving you bladder cancer. You can grill food but not
directly on the fire use a metal tray and watch the food so that it does
not burn - which it definitely will if directly on the flames. Elmir
cooks meat, e.g. hamburgers, in a fry pan with water and a little olive
oil so the meat get cooked through but is not burnt. Or if you are
a member of ISIS, Elmirs highly recommends, smoking, grilling on an open
flame, texting on your cell phone when driving, poking a knife in your
-A) Since Elmir has found help without surgery for your backbone
Scoliosis, you may obtain that information by emailing:
A) Physicals are important but need to be done by good
experienced doctors. In his early fifties, Elmir went to his
family doctor to have a physical. The doctor asked if he wanted
to have a sigmascope performed on his colon, i.e. something the doctor
should have insisted on due to Elmir's age. Previously at work, Elmir had heard of people getting their colon punctured in this
procedure, so said no. The doctor really should have pushed the
point that at his age there was a high rate of colon cancer and he
really should have it done and it is very rare that there is a puncture. Sometime later
after Elmir's wife heard about Kathie Coric's husband, in his forties, dying
of colon cancer, she insisted that Elmir get his colon scoped.
The scoping was performed, by a different doctor, and a
polyp was found and removed. A biopsy was performed and found that
the polyp was cancerous. To be sure the cancer had not spread a colon
resection was done, i.e. in this case 6 inches of Elmir's colon was
removed. No cancer was found in the removed section so
chemotherapy was not required. Elmir is now in his mid-sixties and
gets a complete colonoscopy every three years, so far so good. (Notes:
1. a complete colonoscopy checks the large colon, i.e. from the anus to
the appendix, 2. according to the doctor the polyp had been growing for
at least 5 years, so probably would have been seen during the early
fifties physical, thus probably have saved having Elmir's belly cut open for
about 8 inches and the long recovery time, etc).
Tips: 1) Find a good
family physician, keeping in mind, when looking, someone always
graduates last from medical school.
2) These websites may help:
3) To cut down on stress, and also in general help improve your health
avoid participating in the Seven Deadly Sins (Pride, Envy, Gluttony,
Lust, Anger, Greed, and Sloth).
B) Tobacco and blindness, you don't have to be just
getting lung cancer along with other problems but a bonus is possible
blindness. This is apparently caused by nicotine, so stopping
smoking and switching to chewing tobacco or snuff will not stop this
potential problem along with others.
Tips: Checkout these websites for additional
C) Donating blood is a good idea BUT in particular as
you get older be aware if you give in accordance with the Blood Banks
recommendations you may get anemic. Sounds like a weak word, i.e.
no big deal, yea right. Elmir was a good donor up until a few
years ago - Why? Elmir gave blood three times in one year and when
he went back the fourth time he failed the drop of blood in the test
tube test but the nurse checked with her superior and said it was okay to give
blood. Elmir apparently still believed the Blood Bank must know
what they are doing came back a fifth time that same year but this time
after failing the test tube test the nurse came back and said he could
not give blood. Finally, Elmir went to his family doctor to see if
anything was wrong. Well, a blood test showed Elmir was anemic.
He had always been in pretty good physical condition and this shocked
his doctor. He was prescribed iron pills to build up his blood.
Shortly thereafter, Elmir came down with pneumonia (never having had
anything worse that bronchitis, when he was a kid). Along with
the pneumonia he developed shingles.
It turns out you can pass the Blood Bank test but be below
the acceptable level as determined by a CBC analysis, i.e. the results
of the CBC (complete
blood count) would show you having low iron at an amount higher than what
the Blood Bank will accept, thereby driving your body into a possible
anemic state, if you give blood at this low level.
Tip: After age fifty, and/or assuming you are in good
health, it is probably okay to donate blood twice a year but also
have a yearly physical to insure all items in the CBC analysis are
acceptable and in particular the iron and ferritin. Checkout the
following websites for information:
The main way to protect your health is within your brain, i.e. do things
in moderation, brush your teeth twice a day and floss, do not use
tobacco, do not get drunk, do not do illegal drugs, eat good nourishing
food (this is the big one for keeping your health - Elmir does not
believe you should be Spartan like, a good old hamburger and French
fries every now and then is okay - like we have to keep our sanity along
with living longer and healthier). Forget about health insurance
coverage for everyone, this will not happen but some system should be
put in place, e.g. free flu shots, free anti-biotic i.e. free basic care
e.g. liver or kidney transplants would not be included (Note: This would
be for citizens who are in the poverty category.)
Along with this
citizen stuff Elmir recommends that when Foreigners have a baby in this
country, the baby should not be considered a citizen, period.
D) Health insurance is a good item to have in order to
insure you stay healthy. Some people lead you to believe that your
reward will be in heaven, i.e. don't worry about your health. Elmir
believes there is no heaven, so therefore in the logical world of
Elmirism, people who are waiting for their reward are brain damaged and will end up with
nothing. Elmir knows
there are a lot of really misguided people out there.
Tip: Treat your body properly, health
insurance is good, but remember men like John Adams and Thomas Jefferson
lived into their nineties, they apparently knew how to take care of
themselves. How many people have you known have died before their
time because of their life styles.
Interesting point: If you want to
sanitize anything, just soak it in alcohol, that will kill all the germs
etc. Now if you drink alcohol, in other than moderation and really its
best not to drink any, the alcohol will sanitize the inside of you and
you will die an earlier death then if you didn't use it. There is no
heaven, when you die you go to the same place all plants and animals go
to and that is eternal oblivion - your brain and all body functions stop
and you go back to nature i.e. the same place the cow, who's meat you
ate went to, the same place the mosquito you smacked when to - you will
not end up looking down, from a cloud, shouting oh! my god look what they are doing now.
E) Elmir finds it crazy that stem cell research would
not be pursued with all means possible. We will end up paying too
much for cures that could come about from stem cell research. Many other
countries are hard at work, without the hindrance of people who believe
in fairy tales, working to find cures. At a loss to us, apparently
some of our best researchers are going to these countries to help in
Tip: Elmir suggests that you call, write, visit or email
your congressman (republican, democrat and independent) and tell
them to get moving on all forms of stem cell research.
F) Stop using tobacco, e.g. smoking cigarettes, chewing
tobacco, snuff. Elmir did it so can you. Elmir smoked
cigarettes, chewed tobacco and finally ended up using snuff, and after
57 years he was able to stop. Elmir's method is free just send an
email to email@example.com Smoking, smoking,
smoking was such a waste of time.
Tip: Elmir says if you can't stop smoking at least
switch to nicotine gum or tobacco bandits. These are not good for
you but smoking is a Killer.
G) When selecting a doctor of
medicine be sure they did not graduate last in their class at medical
H) Back before 1955, particularly in the
summer, polio wrecked havoc among the population. Elmirs older brother
was starting full back for his high school football team. The summer
between his junior and senior year he caught polio and ended up
permanently losing 80% of his upper body strength but he was lucky some
kids died from it. Polio weakened his entire body to the point that he
died in his early 60s of a heart attack.
A friend of Elmir ended up permanently
paralyzed from tetanus.
Tip: Get all of the required shots and
boosters as required to prevent this from happening to you.
Joe called a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a
A few days later, in his office, the doctor (Andy) showed me a
color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over
the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET
UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large
enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail
later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall
into the hands of America 's enemies..
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In
accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day;
all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
powder together in a one-liter plastic jug,
then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the
metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the
whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here
I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with
just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery
bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you
may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic,
here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty
much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times
when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours
pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can
tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that
you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been
experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I
was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a
friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said.
Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I
went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on
one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind
that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you
are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I
was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to
the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You
would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure
room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did
not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there
somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist
began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song
was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs
that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen'
had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been
dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself,
because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was
yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next
moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all
over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been
prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were
quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy
Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not