ELMIRISM aka Hot
HOT FUDGE SUNDAE RELIGION
It is written in the Holy Book of Elmir
(whenever I get around to writing it) that life sucks then you die
but in the meantime you need to enjoy the time you are alive by
avoiding anything that makes your life suck. Certainly do not
waste any of your time praying to fairy tale gods. There, that is
the HFSR in a few words.
A few advantages of HFSR are: does not cost you time or
money, you can select one day of the week to celebrate your new
religion by having a Hot Fudge Sundae.
Elmirism is a
religion based on logical thinking. In having tried to understand life
on Earth, Elmir has come to the conclusion that it is very unlikely that there is
a supreme entity
referred to as God, and anyone who says definitely there is a God is
either brain-washed or out to get your money or is a pawn in the political
system or is pretending to be actually a very nice person when they are
Spirits, ghosts, demons, devils, etc do not exist in Elmirism but the
following do: evil people, dangerous animals, mental illness, and
irresponsible presidential voters (read
Charles Krauthammer's new book
"Things that Matter" to understand about these dangerous people).
Elmir has come to believe that if
there were a God all the tragedies that happen to people would not
happen. Just think about it - Why so much evil in the world?
Is this so God can make it all better in the hereafter. Is there a
hereafter? Is there a tooth fairy?
believes it is good for your wellbeing to have beliefs, e.g. belief that
at the end of each week, you'll stop and get yourself a hot fudge
sundae, there will be something worthwhile to watch on TV, you will hit
the big Lottery. Elmirism is a
simple religion. The religion is only within your body. You
are your place of worship.
was referred to in *ancient scriptures as being the thirteenth disciple
(*papers put together by Wise Men
who believed that sea shells on mountain tops were caused by a rain that
lasted 40 days and nights. Believed also that all men on earth came from one man and all
women came from one of his ribs (now that is really a hip smacker i.e. they really wrote that :D).
Additionally, they wrote that God told a very special man laws that
have to be obeyed, and these revelations just so happened to be
exactly the type of laws
the Wise Men wanted, amazing BS). To put this into simple terms the
Bible should be re-titled "Camp Fire Tales".
Elmir's name was
thought to have been given to him by the other disciples, in Aramaic it
meant "He who eats too much kielbasa and beans.". The story goes
that Elmir produced so much gas that it disrupted their meetings and Elmir was banished from their group. Elmir wandered for years
before finally settling in the Land of Pittsburgh where legend has it
that his outhouse created the natural gas fields in that area.
The above can be verified by simply checking it out in the "Camp Fire
NOTE: Because Elmir's disciple, also named Elmir, is about the same age as Yoda, he has had many life
experiences that he has included under different items at the end of
Elmir's religion discussion: Health Tips, Travel Tips, Living Tips, Job
Tips, Family Tips.
participant of Elmir's religion:
It doesn’t cost you money. Elmir feels it should not cost
you money if you want to worship your God. Elmir feels that if you
believe in a heaven and/or hell getting there should not involve paying
other people to tell you what you have to do to get there. (Elmirism
teaches that there is not a heaven or a hell other than what you create
here on Earth).
It doesn’t cost you time. Elmir feels since we have a
measured life span, you should waste very little time traveling in order
to pray to
It doesn’t have you worrying about doing the things
necessary in some people’s minds to please God. So stop worrying
about the hereafter because there is no hereafter, you are just gone,
kaput, a memory soon forgotten. You do not have to worry about going to some special place when
you die. You die and that is the end of you. As the
Monty Python song "Look on the bright side of life" put so well
"you came from nothing and you are going back to nothing - so what have
you lost - nothing".
Instead of throwing your money away in hopes of
influencing some nebulous entity or neighbors, you can do other things with the money,
e.g. help causes that give the majority of the funds raised, directly to
helping needy people.
Elmir feels if you want to belong to another religion, its
okay, but does not recommend it unless you need it for business
connections or receiving charity or just like to play pretend.
Common Sense Guidelines:
The worshiping of God, in Elmir's guidelines, does not
· Is God listening when you pray, no, but
if praying makes you feel better - do it.
You have to protect yourself, since
the pretend God will be
too pretend busy to notice you need help.
A person’s body is their own to do with as they want but
if other people will be badly effected then that should be taken into
When you die, your inter-being lives on in other people
you have influenced, for good or bad.
Perform cremation rather than body burial,
at the funeral you can have an open urn viewing, with a sign, listing
people you do not like, reading
"ape's name, ape's name etc can Kiss my Ash". Also, some of the ashes can be encapsulated and carried
by people as a remembrance or added to their compost heap (to give it a little
more body hee hee) or some ashes can be
put in an envelope and sent to one of the relatives with a message "(ape's name) has decided to visit
you for a few days". The really big
advantage is cremation about $500 usd and full body burial about $10,000
usd and you both are going to the same place i.e. nothingness.
All days of the year are yours to do with as you please,
except once a week, for a minute or two thank the pretend God for this world or
curse it as you see fit. Also if you miss a week it is no big deal.
Also all days of the year are yours to do with as you please
except starting today, at least once a week, send an email to your congressman
requesting them to work on getting Donald Trump to be president of the
USA and putting Hillary in jail. Also if you miss a week it is no big deal
except maybe the pretend God is watching and would like you to send the email
and if you don't might send you to Hell and Eternal Damnation.
Update: Apparently the emails worked and Trump
is now the President but we are all waiting for Hillary to go to Jail.
1) Do not kill.
2) Do not steal.
3) Do not lie,
particularly if it will hurt other people.
4) Respect anyone
worthy of respect.
5) Pray to God.
6) Do stuff in
7) Observe and avoid
participating in the Seven Deadly Sins (Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Lust,
Anger, Greed, and Sloth).
seven deadly sins advice:
Wealth without Work
Pleasure without conscience
Science without Humanity
Knowledge without Character
Politics without Principle
Commerce without Morality
Worship without Sacrifice
stump the Worlds Greatest Minds:
Cake found containing the Symbol Of Elmirism & a Salutation.
Much like statues having tears, stigmata signs, religious shapes in
potato chips, this mystery will have to be investigated.
This website is the
Elmirian Bible and information will be added as Elmir sees things that
need further clarification or should be added.